Just 2 Guys

Sarah Palin's Resignation Given a Hollywood Spin

2009-07-06T13:50:00.005-04:00

Beau "Tie" Creson

As you all know by now Sarah Palin who ran for vice-president has recently resigned from office. I do not intend to give my opinion on why she did it or whether it was a good decision because there are clearly two schools of thought that each make good points. Maybe she left because she is gearing up to run for president and did not want to leave her Alaskan constituents in the dust while she was on the road. Maybe she left because she couldn't take it and is giving up. I want to make it very clear that she did not leave because she is under investigation by the FBI because she is not and her attorney told my attorney that if I even hinted at something like that she would sue me faster than I could say I'm folksy, you betcha'.

Just because I am too scared to say my political opinions on the site does not mean however that I don't want to have a few musings on the matter. I think the three major things to take out of this resignation were the message, the suprise factor, and the point guard analogy. First, lets focus on the message. I was a little bit confused about what the heck was going on. Was it a triumphant and proud recognition that she was not capable of carrying the load based on other circumstances. Because she seemed very happy and cheerful about the fact that she was resigning. Like I said, I don't point to any political sway, but who gets excited about giving up? I wanted to point out that I found a similar situation from a movie. In the movie Deep Blue Sea, Samuel L. Jackson also gets mildly emotionally aroused when he is talking about quitting and leaving. I feel like these two messages are very similar, except in the end rather than Sarah Palin going fishing, the fish go Samuel L. Jacksoning.

Next, I would just like to point out how suprised I was when this happened. I mean I havn't heard of a politician up and relieving themselves of duty in at least a week in a half since Governor Sanford left for Argentina or two and a half weeks ago when Mayor Herenton of Memphis decided to call it quits. Okay, so a fad has started recently but before two weeks ago this would have been a total bombshell. Is there a movie out there that offers a suprise ending as whimsical and strange as this one? Honestly, No... Therefore I decided that I would just consider this another adventure of the muppet babies in which Beaker dreamt he/she was a folksy governor from Alaska that eventually had to resign for unknown reasons... and roll end credits.

Finally, I would like to adress the one part of the speech that was just too loud on my ears to ignore. The point guard metaphor. She said that she was like a point guard who had to pass the ball off. I get it, I really do. The problem is that if a point guard is truly leading the team and passes the ball, the point guard stays on the court and doesn't go work for a family owned commercial fishing company. Once again, I understand what she was saying but the logical fallacy was waaay to big to ignore. Therefore, I decided the only metaphor that is nearly as strange and confusing as the one that governor Palin gave was the one Daniel Day Lewis gave in There Will Be Blood... Enjoy!

As you can see, once you look through Sarah Palin's resignation through the lense of Hollywood comparisons; nothing is cleared up and everything is just as confusing as before. Glad I could help.

Love,
Beau "Tie"

P.S.- I drink YOUR milkshake Daniel Day Lewis!

5 Worst Sports Logos of All Time

2009-05-22T17:23:00.011-04:00

Beau "Tie" Creson

There are times when I watch sports and see logos that make me completely sick to my stomach. I have decided that the only way to put an end to these terrible logos is to create a blog post that will raise public awareness about them and cause a civil uprising not seen since the WTO riots years ago. Although this time the police won’t be there to stop the people from obliterating every team jersey and foam finger available, they will be providing the torches and pitchforks. I am about to countdown the top 5 worst sports team logos and I want to warn all of you that some of the images in this post are not suitable for young eyes as they will make your children settle for less than satisfactory artwork on their team jerseys.

Coming in at number five would be the 1995-1996 logo for the New York islanders NHL team. As you can see there is an angry looking deep sea fisherman with a hockey stick guarding his hockey goal mercilessly. My two questions are: where is the islander and why is there a fisherman with a hockey stick mercilessly guarding a hockey goal? There is of course a subgroup of questions that need to be asked such as why does the fisherman have a spray on tan and why is he wearing a teal colored rain jacket? I feel like rain jackets for fisherman do not come in pastel colors. Basically, this logo is on the list because the name and picture are misleading. They should have probably been called the New York semi metro sexual fishermen.

The fourth place logo comes to us all the way from the NCAA. I am of course talking about the Youngstown State Penguins. I can appreciate a penguin as a mascot but this penguin seems to be modeled off of another penguin that I have seen before. Oh that’s right, the Youngstown State Penguin looks exactly like the penguin from those kid’s cuisine frozen dinners that I used to eat.

Look... Youngstown State makes frozen dinners for kids!

Can Youngstown State even do this? Why would they do this? Do you really want your college to be synonymous with snowman shaped macaroni and cheese and semi liquid mashed potatoes. Let’s just say that 30 seconds in the microwave in this case will not solve the problems of Youngstown State’s mascot.

Third place in the worst sports logo competition goes to the 50’s version of the Red Sox logo. I am really not sure what to make of this. I have boiled it down to two possibilities on what they hell this big shape is supposed to be. The first option is a bit farfetched. It appears that they took a picture through thermal goggles of Jay Leno playing a game of baseball in the dark with a ninja belt tied around his head. Also, he had no lower body except for legs for some reason. The second possibility is that this is just Florida upside down with a face. I thought it could be a red sock at first but if I ever see something like that on my foot I will be absolutely terrified.

This second place logo is absolutely mindboggling in so many ways to me. It is the Milwaukee Bucs logo from the NBA used from 1969-1993. What the hell is going on here? I feel like I could get a better deer out of my clip art in Microsoft Word. Also, a buck is a male deer. So why does this deer look like a sorority girl. I mean look at the legs…And is it actually batting its eyes? This is so disgraceful. No wonder this is one of the most terrible basketball teams ever to grace this planet. Sad part is their new logo would look good on a beer bottle, but it still looks ridiculous on a basketball jersey.

This first place logo comes from a team that is very near and dear to my heart. This is the 1966-1969 logo for the Dallas Cowboys. I realize it was the 60’s and you could not use a computer to make the graphics… but seriously. That doesn’t mean you have to find a three year old child to draw the logo for you. I don’t even know what the hell the guy is riding. Last I checked horses have more than two and a fourth legs. This logo is far and away the worst sports logo that I have ever seen, and from my favorite NFL team no less If the people who designed these five logos are still alive on this planet… may the lord have mercy on all of our sports’ souls.

Sincerely,

Beau “Tie”

Who Should Be the Next Supreme Court Justice?

2009-05-19T18:00:00.005-04:00

Beau "Tie" Creson

There is a big debate these days about the Supreme Court judges and who the potential new appointees will be. I of course have an opinion on the matter, and to be honest I haven’t even heard anyone mention the obvious choice yet. I will start by remembering the two judges that are likely to retire. They are Ruth Bader Ginsberg and John Paul Stevens. JPS is the absolute man. He is over 80 years old and can still hit a mean backhand on the tennis court. Not to mention that the old fella wears the hell out of a bow tie. I like to think of him as my benefactor similar to Pip’s benefactor in Great Expectations, and one day JPS will send me a large sum of money making me a true gentleman. Ruth Bader Ginsberg is a bit of a different story. She kind of scares me to be honest. Plus I will never think of her as anyone other than old Mable Grettleson, the nice old lady who gives you cookies and Ovaltine on especially balmy Thursday afternoons.

You children want some Ovaltine?

These judges were great people and they have served our country well but a new day is dawning here in America. We cannot have judges that sit passively in chairs merely abiding by the constitution and working hand in hand with the legislatures on Capitol Hill. We need a judge that will take things into his own hands and bust some heads once in a while. We also need a judge with experience. Who better than someone who has served for years in Mega City One which is a fictional post apocalypse city overrun with derelicts and mutants. I trust you now know who my candidate is for the vacant Supreme Court seats. May I introduce Judge Dredd…

It is important to notice that I have elected one person to hold two seats. That is because I imagine Dredd will sit in one seat and bash people over the head that disagree with him with the other seat. While there are a million reasons that Dredd should be the new Supreme Court justice, I have narrowed it down to the most important ones in the interest of our readers’ short attention spans. The first trait that Dredd has is a good work ethic. He never breaks character at all. In fact, in a particularly emotional scene of the movie aptly titled Judge Dredd, Dredd’s brother explains that no one likes or cares about Dredd insisting: Rico: I’m the only one that ever loved you. Dredd looks him strait in the eyes and like a judge should he simply replies, “I’ll be the judge of that.” I subsequently spontaneously combusted from the sheer voracity in which Dredd delivered the line. The next trait that Jedge Dredd has or in this case is void of is compassion. I don’t like these soft judges that we have today, I want a judge that refuses to give you any kind of break. For instance, Dredd apprehends a warlord in one of the blocks and begins to judge him by saying:

Judge Dredd: [sentencing the Block Warlord] Mega City Municiple Code, 213: Willfull destruction of property, that's two years. Code 310: Illegal possession of assault weapons, five years. Code 457: Resisting arrest, TWENTY years! And code 3613: The first degree murder of a street judge...

Block Warlord: Let me guess: Life. [he goes for his gun, but Dredd shoots him first]

JudgeDredd: Death. Court's adjourned.

The final thing I like about Dredd is that he appreciates the ability to expedite the court system. I cannot stress how bogged down our court system is. Dredd sympathizes with the right to a speedy trial. I will leave you with this clip of what happens when Dredd finds you guilty of a relatively small crime. Spoiler alert: He blows your shit up.

Judicially Yours,

Beau "Tie"

Greatest Woman of All Time

2009-05-17T00:36:00.006-04:00

Beau "Tie" Creson

As you all know the Preakness was run this past evening and a filly named Rachel Alexandra won the race making her the first female horse to win the race since 1924. They said the human race was sexist, sheeesh someone needs to start looking at the horse world and thinking about equal rights. Plus, she won it from the thirteenth stall which is the furthest from the pole, and you think that was by coincidence? I’m not saying, but I am saying it actually. Horses are sexist and live in a patriarchal society that needs to be abolished. This victory for the female gender had me reflecting on all of the great ladies of our past such as Molly Pitcher and Sacajawea, and I began to wonder who the greatest woman of all time is? Of course it is my mother, but who is the second greatest woman of all time?

Show those sexist male horses whose boss Rachel Alexandra

Let me start by listing who is not the greatest woman of all time. Emily Dickinson came in first place for not first place as the greatest woman of all time. I mean Emily… seriously… so you have so self confidence issues. That doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself up in a room and write semi erotic/creepy poetry all day. I mean really, I’ve heard of wallpaper with a better social life than you have. Sure, you contributed a great deal to early American poetry but if everyone had to sit in a room as long as you did they would have probably come up with something just as good and much more cheerful. Plus, they would have been able to put a more attractive about the author photo in the back fold which would have sold more copies.

Second place in the not best woman ever category would go to Tz'u His. This lady lived in China during the late 19th and early 20th and she was acting emperor. This lady was a real whore. No, I am serious she was actually a concubine of the emperor until he died. Then, I guess not one person in China thought it was a pretty crappy move to put a literal slave prostitute in charge of the country. This lady pretty much came up with the idea of sleeping with the boss to climb the corporate ladder. Long story short, she was acting emperor until the boxer rebellion which I feel is ironic because underpants overthrew the emperor who wore none for a living.

I know you used to pay me for sex but now I will provide legislation for you to live by.

I am going to have to go ahead and give the nod for best woman ever to Rosa Parks. I love this woman for two reasons. She believed in equal rights and she stuck it to Alabama. I am not that big of a fan of Alabama. It’s not that I have any personal grudge against the place, I just feel like taking a nail to my eyeballs every time I’m there. Some of the readers may not like what they are reading right now, but remember that many people did not like what Rosa Parks was doing on that bus and look at how history remembers them. Parks had the figurative cajones to become a hero that day and remain seated on a chair that should have rightfully been hers. I just wish that she had bitch slapped the guy that told her to get up. So raise your mint julips high whether you be man, woman, black, white, or a Chinese person who does not support a concubine as emperor as I make a toast to Rosa Parks; my favorite woman in the history of this blue oblete spheroid we call earth.

Hey busdriver, what do the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!

P.S. I would like to give honorable mention to Pocahontas for being able to sing with all the voices of the mountain and paint with all the colors of the wind. Plus, should could talk to hummingbirds and raccoons which is cool.

Love,
Beau “Tie”

Musings on the Experiences of a Young Man

2009-05-13T14:04:00.008-04:00

Beau 'Tie' Creson

There comes a time in a man’s life when he must reevaluate his moral set. Seeing as I am turning 21 in less than 48 hours, I feel that my recent enlightenment comes as no coincidence. I recently saw the movie Star Trek, and I feel that it has had an impact on me that cannot be ignored. Usually I am able to discern the difference between the fact that the people on the screen are merely actors and not real, but in this case I cannot be sure that what I was watching was not really happening. There is no way to tell, so I will go with my intuition which tells me that everything I saw was based on capital T Truth. Based on this, I took it upon myself to go on a crusade of knowledge in which I learn everything the Star Trek world has to teach me. I the last few days I have viewed Star Trek: Insurrection, Star Trek: The Journey Home, Star Trek: The Final Frontier, Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan, countless episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and disc two and three of John Adams. The last two were unrelated but enjoyable. I feel that Kirk, Spock, Picard, Data, La Forge, McCoy, and the rest of the gang have taught me some things that I must make our readers aware of.

We have come from the future to teach you about hand strengtheners

Firstly, and perhaps most important is the fact that there is a suitable attire other than the bow tie and finely pressed slacks with a button down from Brooks Brothers. That attire includes a one piece suit with black pants and black shoes. The shirt can be green, blue, red, or yellow. Then the most important piece would be the federation approved badge over the breast of the uniform. What says professional more than this? I feel like I am going to wear this outfit to every job interview I ever go into. If they don’t like it I will simply offer “live long and prosper” and calmly remove myself from the room. This brings on the second thing that the Star Trek universe has taught me. Attitude is everything. Spock has the ability to use logic without emotion. If only we were so lucky as to have Vulcan ancestry. I have compiled a list of things that would not have happened had we been of Vulcan birth rather than human: WW1, WW2, Civil War, Totalitarianism, Gigli, Mayonnaise, Spam, helicopters, and hypoallergenic dogs. This list is not all inclusive and I implore you to make your own list of things that could be void of existence.

This will not work and seems illogical to me

Star Trek has also made me a very impatient person. Why can’t someone freaking invent beam technology? Is it so rude a thing to ask that they get on with it? Maybe if we didn’t spend so much time and money making movies about it we would already have a real federation of planets and I would be the captain of a starship by now. I imagine my ship would be called the U.S.S Integrity as I would hold all other captains accountable for their lack of candor. Who would pass my test every time? Captain James Tiberius Kirk of course. A number of words would describe Kirk: ingenious, impulsive, and suave. You would not call him a namby-pamby though. Who else would attempt to slingshot around the sun in a Klingon bird-of-prey so that they would break the time barrier into 1986 San Francisco? Truly I could laud for hours on the specialness of these folks but that is for tomorrow gentlemen… for today I must go to blockbuster on a fifteen minute mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. Live long and prosper my friends.

Beards are a logical solution to lower face quadrent warmth

PS- I have also started using cool star trek lingo such as when I get in my car I say, “warp speed Mr. Sulu” or when I want someone to call me I say, “I will open hailing frequencies”.

Tennessee and Texas: Battle of the T's

2009-04-18T14:49:00.006-04:00

Beau "Tie" Creson

I was attending a fraternity get together last evening, and while I was having a good time I found myself in an extrememly hot debate with a large mustached/ ten gallon cowboy hatted man from Texas. We were arguing over whether my home state of Tennessee or the great state of Texas was the best T state in the union. While I contested that his rediculous facial squirrel and oil covered greenbacks were no match for my bluesy charisma and mountain hiking skills, this was obviously not enough for this Yosemite Sam look-a-like. He challenged me to a duel and offered that I choose my weapon. Of course he chose pearl handled six shooters only furthering himself as the most cliche Texas stereotype in the history of cliche Texas stereotypes. I decided to opt for something much more useful in proving my point: A DVD version of the 2004 film "The Alamo" starring Billy Bob Thornton as Davy Crockett and Dennis Quaid as the unusually tardy Sam Houston.

Don't Mess With Texas, Unless Your Tennessee

I chose this as my weapon both to mock my opponent because he thought I would pick something violent but I also chose the DVD because it clearly illustrates why Tennessee has a slight edge on Texas. I invited my opponent to a nice bowl of popcorn and allowed him to view the film in its etirety. So what did he see? Well he noticed that most of the people that were at the Alamo weren't even from Texas because they came from other states, namely Tennessee. Following this logic, Texas is really more like a fat younger brother to a thinner and more athletic Tennessee. Also, my friend saw the amazing use of sematics used by the native of Tennesse Davy Crocket and his undying fearlessness. Crocket, an avid Tennessee Volunteers football fan and perveyor of racoon hats was the last person to be killed by the Mexican army at the Alamo, but first they gave him a chance to surrender. To this offer Crockett simply retorts, "You tell the general I'm willing to discuss the terms of surrender. You tell him; if he'll order his men to put down their weapons and line up, I'll take them to Sam Houston and I'll try my best to save most of them. That said; Sam's a mite twitchy, so no promises. " This prompts the question, where the hell is Sam Houston in the first place and why is he going to be an asshole? Well Sam Houston must have forgotten to set his alarm clock that morning because he didn't show up to provide back-up and hundreds of people who volunteered to be there in the first place died that day. But at least Sam Houston provided an awesome quote afterward right? Not exactly, his whole pump up speech went as follows, "You will remember this battle! Each minute! Each second! Until the day that you die! But that is for tomorrow, gentlemen. For today, Remember The Alamo!" I am honestly suprised no one raised their hand and was like uh if you had just taken us to the alamo in the first place we could have consolidated this whole movie into one battle and one victory. I guess Sam Houston was just taking advantage of the fact that there was no standardized school system so no one was really into the whole logical reasoning thing yet.

Sam Houston Explaning Why a Ditch is a Good Place to Hide During a Battle

Basically, the movie shows that while Texas is still a great place, it falls a bit short in the awesome department to Tennessee. I like to think that Tennessee got like four doubled letters so that it could forever taunt Texas. Tennesse people give better speeches, do more volunteer work, and actually show up to battles. I love you Texas, and somebody has to be number two right?

If you are wondering what happened with my mustached nemesis from earlier, I cannot give you that much closure. I can only guess that he completely agreed with me after watching the film and was so dishonored that he had challenged me that he felt the only way to get some honor back was to end his life right there. He took the aforementioned six shooters and installed a perverbial window in his skull. Needless to say, the party was pretty awkward after that.

Love,
Beau "Tie"

The First Monthly TomBeau Award

2009-04-14T01:24:00.003-04:00

Beau "Tie" Creson

The TomBeau award is a new award that goes to a person each month. Although the parameters of this award aren’t entirely clear, I have formulated an algorithm for the person that will win the award each month. The first ingredient that the award winner must have is an attitude. This person needs to be like, “what’s that humanity? Sorry I can’t hear you because I’m too busy indulging myself on glory.” The person also needs to be epic. If the world is a soup kitchen, I expect the winner to have gone into the soup kitchen that month and said I’ll have my soup with a side of infamy, oh and can I get a little historical relevance. The most important ingredient that the person of the month must have is a sense of personal style. When all of these things are added together they amalgamate into the TomBeau award recipient. Looking back at the month there is really only one person who deserves this award, drum roll please… The first monthly TomBeau award goes to KIM JONG IL!!

Mr. Il or as his people are forced to call him, Dear Leader is truly the most deserving person for this award. DL took it upon himself to piss off the entire civilized world in the past few weeks by firing a ballistic missile with a “satellite” attached to it into the Pacific Ocean. Then he has the cunning to completely lie about its failure and hail it as a huge success. You see, DL loves to use propaganda and I have made peace with that fact. In fact, he claims that the first time he went out to play a round of golf he reportedly had 13 holes in one. Now, if he was lying he would have said 18, so it must be true right? The thing about DL is he does a lot of insidiously heinous things, but then you look into his little pug like face and gaze beneath the Dolce Gabbana sunglasses and you just want to pinch his cheeks and rock him to sleep.

The other awesome thing accomplished by Il this past month was to have a mandatory attendance birthday party for himself and return to the television screen to be re-elected for another five year term as leader of North Korea. I am sorry but this makes me want to laugh until the end of the planet. I wonder how close the election really was. I imagine that no one else had any votes because if you don’t vote for DL then you are immediately put to death and your vote is void. North Korea is a lot like the movie “The Land Before Time”. DL is Sharptooth and everyone else is either long necks or three horns. Everyone is super scared of Sharptooth but in the North Korea version they are forced to be his friend and go to his birthday parties while he gets drunk on $1300 dollars worth of Cognac a month.

The final ingredient to DL’s success is his uncanny sense of style. I’ve never seen someone wear a one piece parachuting uniform everywhere they go, yet DL is able to pull it off in his country. Of course, he makes it mandatory to compliment his one piece jumpsuit whenever you see him. The one piece suit finalizes my theory that DL is just living a North Korean version of the Tom Hanks movie "Big". He is a tiny child in a tiny adult’s body presumably because he made a wish about being big into a North Korean version of Zoltar and it came true . Now, he cares about no one but himself and lies about everything, yet he is still confusingly irresistible. He causes international incidents and throws mandatory birthday parties all while keeping a golf handicap of – 25. Raise your mint juleps high ladies and gentlemen and propose a toast to Dear Leader. Oh and by the way, he also had time to do a ribbon dance with me in the Olympic Qualifiers this past month as well. I got a tape of it and put it below. Enjoy!

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

P.S. I would like to give honorable mention this week to Sasha and Malia Obama for naming their new dog Bo. I knew they were avid readers of the blog but wow this is quite an honor. In fact, in todays, April 13, 2009 edition of the New York Times Senator Edward Kennedy is quoted as saying, "We couldn't be happier to see the joy that Bo is bringing to Malia and Sasha." Now the question is was he talking about our blog or the new puppy. I think its pretty obvious.

Beau “Tie”

The Most Exemplary Example of Teamwork

2009-04-07T20:37:00.010-04:00

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell -

“There is no I in team.” At least that’s what my church league basketball coach would shout at our 8th grade Catholic coalition of determined hoopsters. To which my inevitably argumentative and rationally wired brain would shout, but there is a “me.”

That random memory aside, teamwork is a valuable and necessary commodity established by a capitalist tradition of high performance and synergy. This compilation of talents melted together in a metaphorical fondue pot stand as a testament to the human will, much as the Rugrats, the 90’s Nickelodeon cartoon’s band of baby brethren assembled through fate’s family tree, stand as a reminder that even a team of infants lead by a baby with a comb over and a diaper can replicate a Judicial infrastructure which centuries of fully developed men had attempted to establish. Even Atticus Finch would sit back and smile at the exemplary values displayed by the Rugrats, but Atticus Finch would sit in his rocking chair of awe, and poop in his pants if he had witnessed Michael Bay’s dream team consisting of two mere mortals, Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett in the epic masterpiece Pearl Harbor.

Tommy (whispering): Psst Spike, your ears look like spaghetti.

Pearl Harbor, a Hollywood blockbuster which when analyzed through the metaphor of Nikolaus August Otto’s combustion engine, would compare the fuel as knowledge hungry Americans, the engine then would be the most accurate historical depiction of one of America’s tragedies, the turbocharger is a love triangle which would leave even J. Robert Oppenheimer baffled, and of course, the catalytic converter coupled with JEGS tubular headers and an AEM cold air intake represent teamwork. Some might view these parts of an engine as “accessories”, but pay them no mind, for they know not what it takes to win a race. The extra horsepower of teamwork is the difference between first and last, a promotion and being fired, or bringing the Apollo 13 back to earth safely.

Nicky Otto ridin' dirrty on 58's.

I know what you are thinking reader, this award should go to Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear because they are Siamese twins and still successful actors, and you have a good point. But allow me to retort, Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. This duo closely resembles the chemical equation of H20, its unique polar bonds combine two gaseous elements into a life sustaining mega force, otherwise labeled as Gatorade. Josh Hartnett’s uniquely negative attraction of sulky slightly detached son of an abusive drunk, strongly attracts Ben Affleck’s positive force of fearless, slightly retarded, but lovable Alpha male in order to create H2A, or the Axis of Evil’s worst
nightmare.

The elemental force of H2A combine to single handedly mount the only aerial resistance to the oncoming “bitch-slap” tactics of a particular Asian nation, which I will not name, but just known that their citizens are known to leave their women “unfulfilled.” On second thought that could be an Asian country, so it was Japan. The plot thickens when H2A are split, a concept stolen by the Manhattan Project which was then used to destroy Hiroshima, leaving Affleck to help the British and Hartnett to keep Affleck’s girl from becoming unfaithful, a true team. The culmination of the team’s efforts comes when they are reunited in the epic Doolittle Raid, and a baby being born. Few people know that this baby, the product of a team of fathers, would later become Jenna Jameson, the ultimate testament to teamwork.

Long story short, Alec Baldwin (the only man to be truly recreated in God’s image), said that they were the most exemplary team, so I recommend you trust him.

Alec Baldwin explaining the answer to why humans exist.

Love,
Haymaker

Beau "Tie" Creson

Teamwork is a staple of American culture that can draw its origins back to the tag team of the Continental Congress and Colonial Army which laid the smack down on the Brits late in the 18th century. It is hard to judge what makes one team more exemplary than another, but no one said this job that pays nothing would be easy. In fact, if I were thinking like an accountant, the fact that I receive no compensation for this entry should result in my not writing it. But I am not an accountant. I am an economist. As an economist, I understand that the cost of writing this blog does not outweigh the compensation of educating our readers on the capital T Truth spoke of by the great philosopher Plato, but I digress. The Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers are of course the most exemplary team in the history of the world. Now, they have been a team for years, but the incident I am citing as the most exemplary occurred in 1995 when the Power Rangers encountered the sinister Ivan Ooze as he attempted to take over the parents of Angel Grove to make them unearth his deadly titans. Obviously this sounds bad, but things actually got worse for the rangers.

Ivan Ooze’s first move was to take out the command center and to and nearly kill Zordon. This meant that the Power Rangers could no longer morph into badass helmet wearing vigilantes. Also, Ivan Ooze is pretty much a complete machismo legend. One quote off of the top of my head went as follows. Kimberly, the pink ranger said, “You don’t know who you’re dealing with, we are the power rangers!” Ooze, being his sly self simply retorted in a mostly offensive sarcastic way, “OOOh the power rangers, I see Zordon is still using teenagers to do his dirty work. Well, MEET MY KIDS!” This short banter resulted in him shooting lightning and ninjas out of his fingers. The answer is yes, I was scared and no, the power rangers did not have good times after this. Plus, once the command center was destroyed they were no longer able to morph like I said so they had to travel to Phaedos so that they could obtain the power of the Ninjetti. This is sort of like ultra karate powers where people actually respect you for wearing the colored belt because you have a giant robot that looks like an animal to back you up. In the end, with the Ninjetti powers the rangers are able to defeat Ooze.

"What the F&%$ is a Ninjetti?"

This exemplary teamwork shows something interesting about all teams in history that have been successful. You need performance enhancers. All great teams use some sort of performance enhancers to make them great. The performance enhancer in the American Revolution came to the Colonial Army in the form of the militia (See “The Patriot”). Team Judaism led by Moses in the Old Testament was a bunch of slaves to the Egyptians before Moses decided to use God powers as their performance enhancer. Even Barry Bonds used performance enhancers to help his team. Some people say he used them for selfish purposes but this is ridiculous. Why would he shrink his reproductive organs and make his forehead five feet high if not for team spirit. Hell, the giants would have won the World Series if more of his teammates had decided they should be team players and use steroids too. Basically, the moral of this post would be, stop bashing performance enhancers or else you will not be allowed to have a zord when they are invented, and don’t even think about trying to get a prescription for Viagra unless you want to be a walking hypocrite. The reason that the Power Rangers are in fact the most exemplary team is simple: Diversity. That’s right, underneath their suites they are the exact same colors as they were before they took the suits off. I appreciate this rainbow cooperation, and that is why I decided they were separated from the rest as most exemplary. Plus, mega-zord is the sheez.

We don't judge based on cultural background!
Love, Beau "Tie"

The Worst Movie Never Made

2009-04-02T01:52:00.007-04:00

Beau "Tie" Creson

I fashion myself a film buff. In an unrelated note I also fashion myself as an environmentalist. This made my decision for what the worst movie never made was very simple. I am sure that when you saw the BBC documentary film “Planet Earth”, you found it hard to forget. Well believe you me, when I saw the movie “Planet Jupiter” I didn’t know how I wouldn’t forget it. I mean I had to write the title down on about 10,000 Post-it notes and cover my room just to remember the title. The idea for the movie was awesome enough. Take all of the animals from the original movie and move them to Jupiter. It’s sort of like an adaptation of Titan A.E. except it is not a cartoon and they actually have to get out of the spaceship.

Monkey before trip to Jupiter

So the folks from BBC fly over to Jupiter and drop a few pods on the “big orange” as I call it. This is all happening while the voice of James Earl Jones says something like, “Jupiter’s upper atmosphere is composed of about 88-92% hydrogen and 8-12% helium by percent value or fraction of gas molecules…” Blah blah blah, where the hell is the DVD box I want to just skip to the monkey chapter right? At this point I am still pretty excited. The “Planet Earth” DVD box set had like 10 discs and I mean Jupiter is approximately 2.5 times more massive than all of the other planets in our solar system combined, so I liked my chances of seeing two or three large horned rams getting clawed by Siberian tigers this time instead of just one. Let me put this size difference into perspective. Imagine David and Goliath. Now imagine there is a sequel where Goliath II is as big as both armies combined. I don’t think I would be putting my money on David. Unfortunately, the animals in this film will suffer a similar fate. The first thing that needed to be addressed was the fact that the whole freaking planet is a gas giant. Two problems here: 1) There is no land for grazing and 2) There is not even one fart joke like, “This gas giant is 50 times bigger and more powerful than Uranus (money!). In regards to the first problem, we will pretend there is at least a smidgeon of dirt.

The first pod of animals will open in the uppermost level of Jupiter. This pod will contain animals with the power of flight such as parrots, ravens, hippogriffs, and sugar gliders. I like to call this level, “Holy shit, the temperature here is absolute zero and I cannot survive land.” All of the animals in pod 1 were cut from the final version of the film for “budgetary reasons”. The next level of animals will include your land things such as hippos, capyberas, rabbits, snapping turtles, lions, and dinosaurs. Luckily, the temperature on this level is about room temperature. Unfortunately, the pressure at this point is around 10 times that of earth. I like to think of the consequences of this environment as what would have happened in “Star Wars: A New Hope” if the trash compactor had not been stopped by R2-D2 and all of the characters had been crushed by the massive pressure and died a horrible death. Basically, if you took all of the hunting and killing scenes from the first “Planet Earth” and condensed them into a fraction of a second then the scene would have been similar.

Let’s say the pressure is normal though. The animals are so happy in their new fictional land mass with fictional earth pressure. Things are just about to start getting good when they realize they are in the middle of a horrible storm that has been going on for about 300 years on Jupiter. Animals survive storms all of the time right? Well not when it’s a giant tornado and lightning storm twice as big as the earth. Plus, it’s not exactly rain it is more like ammonia crystals and ammonium hydrosulfide. I looked these up in my “Science Chemicals: For Dummies!” index and it just said, “see liquid death juice.”

Monkey after trip to Jupiter

"Planet Jupiter" is by far the worst movie never made. It ranks right up there with Forest Hump: The story of Forest Gump’s illegitimate son born in the year 2000 as a mentally challenged hunchback. He eventually overcomes his handicaps to show people that simple people can live the best lives by experiencing all of the great happenings of the 21st century. Come to think of it, if it’s an exact replica of Forest Gump, maybe it should be made… I love that movie.

Signed,

Beau “Tie”

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell --

In a time when such movies as Punisher: War Zone, Bangkok Dangerous, and Sex and the City: The Movie are popular movies then you can use your own brain, and the internet, to find all of the movies horrible flying under the radar. Sex and the City being made into a movie truly does cause cognitive dissonance within my brain. How much time can Americans spent watching Sarah Jessica Parker write about thinking about sex and relationship issues? I remember accidently turning on this show late one night, needless to say, I was immediately turned off at having to imagine myself with this woman. Then I realized it wasn’t porn, but a popular television program, and that woman was a famous actress. That was in 1998. Against all odds and 11 years later my worst nightmare finally came to fruition, Sex and the City had been stricken from the worst movie never made list. So moving to another movie on my list we encounter Step Up 3: Your Almost to the Landing.

Of all the genres in the world, including whatever genre things like Bromance fall under, I would expect dance movies to be the last to climb the mountain of American’s attention span in such a mercurial manner. The majority of Americans know little about our government, who our enemies are, or what is in the food they eat. However, Americans can sit still for 2 hours in anticipation of whether or not a teenage dancer will reach their dreams of beating their rival, an evil arch-nemesis dancer, in a rainy back alley event, succinctly entitled a dance-off, which is judged by a large audience of peers who all decided to break the curfew law to see this epic conclusion. I’m not sure what causes social movements, but I remember a time when back alleys were a place to fear, not a stage to dream about. I’m not sure where my innate fear of back alleys comes from, especially with the proof of how many American heroes frequent these wondrous caves of comfort, Spiderman, the Spirit, Dick Tracey, Prostitutes, and the Cookie Monster. But then again people used to be scared of high school, a place which was traditionally viewed as a transitional period every person must pass through in order to confront the difficulties of life on a manageable scale, with the comfort of returning home for dinner as a quantum of solace. No longer is this the case friends, high school is now awaited with much anticipation. Kids can’t wait to get out of the tedious monotony of middle school and into high school. The place made of dreams where the likes of Zach Efron and company randomly burst into song about everything. I bet you are thinking to yourself, that’s alright, kids still go to camp to learn the harsh realities of life from their cruel peers... oh wait, Camp Rock, nevermind.

If you haven’t already stopped reading because I used big words, then I am glad I can compete against the dialogue of these cornerstones of our American youth. Cornerstones built with dialogue which might not achieve an academic grade level, but more of a species grade. Step Up 3’s dialogue, assuming it does actually contain words would most likely be comparable the species in the order psittaciformes under the phylum chordata, or the parrot. This is ironic, because if you have ever been around a parrot then you know that one of the first commands that they learn is to step up. The difference is that eventually a bird will get tired of stepping up, evidently we will not.

Love,

Haymaker

P.S. Reminiscent of The Gone with the Wind, although some slight differences are the lack of style, brain function, historical references, good actors and actresses, well thought out plot, and replaced with dance moves.

The Most Despicable Group of People

2009-03-30T00:42:00.007-04:00

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell --

The first group of people that crossed my mind when this question was presented to me was foreigners. Foreigners do not share in the values which stand behind our red white and blue banner of excellence. While this opinion is easily defendable, and true, I feel like some foreigners are worse than others. And the number one spot on the list of despicable foreigners goes to none other than the swedish. That’s right King Carl XVI Gustaf, your country blows, and here are the three primary reasons why. You fight for nothing, your government is wack, and you harbor the world’s finest females, which you do not deserve. Sweden you are despicable.

Sweden’s last military conflict was in 1814. Since then two world wars, which are merely the most notable, were fought on your politically retarded and morally corrupt continent. Honestly, a world war that you decide not to take part in should automatically disqualify you from being part of the world. But maybe you had a good reason, like you did not know that it was going on, since you had yet to invent any means of communication. Or maybe you were confused about which side to take, seriously though, what was that thought process like for your leader? I bet it was something like “I wonder if we should fight for the rights of innocent people being put to death for the mere fact that they…OMG CHOCOLATE! Come back her Adolphous! Hehe, Im going to catzh you, you lizzle devil you!” Around that time is probably when Americans were being forced to give their lives to protect your desires to remain worth nothing. At least you guys gave us the Swedish Fish, and Meatball though, that was very…how can I say it, well if Hallmark made a thank you for the most insolent gift ever, everyone in America would have signed it. So if world wars cannot draw you to arms, what can? Well your last war was fought over forcing Norway into being friends with you. Now that is a fight worth fighting. Your country reminds me of Ralphie, the oversized Down syndrome bully I encountered in 4^th grade, except he loved cupcakes, and you love making other people die for you.

Your government is a constitutional monarchy. The world tried that one out for a while, in case you didn’t catch the highlights your friend and divine representative on earth, King Carl XVI Gustaf, sits around and gets fat as Rosie O’Donnell, and then has sex with your dream girls, all the while laughing that you haven’t caught up with the fact that he is just a human. But I can see why you support the government; any country that has a position labeled the Speaker of the Riksdag must provide you with confusing information. You probably think that lollipops have souls, cars run on magic, and the devil is America. Don’t worry; we don’t hate you though, because we believe in the freedom to conduct yourselves however you want. So whenever you want to apologize for all your sins, you know where to find us, just go to the country where we use logic, public opinion, and communication to arrive at the best solution for our problems.

Now to the real sign of God’s humor. He blessed the country without any testosterone with the most sexually appealing females. That was a good one God. I get it; the joke is funny because it doesn’t make sense. It’s like that ventriloquist comedian on Comedy Central, Ellen DeGeneres, or the fact that Nobel peace prize, was named after the swedish scientist who invented dynamite, I get it God, but it’s time to move on.

Seriously Sweden, you are despicable.

Love,

Haymaker

P.S. They use tablecloths as colored shirts, arent they clever.

Beau "Tie" Creson

Most people rub me the wrong way. When I say rub the wrong way I’m talking about how your body feels when you use those loofahs that are way too hard and haven’t gotten enough moisture on them. A good amount of people annoy me. When I say annoy, I mean like having Gilbert Godfried over for dinner, and he tries to sing the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge for you. There is one segment of people that really get to me, and I tag these people as despicable. These aren’t the people that when you see them coming you huff and try to avoid them. Despicable people to me are the kind of people that when you see them coming you make a trail of fine wines and cheeses leading to a recently dug pit of poisonous pongee sticks and hope that the sticks will only debilitate them enough to where you can finish the job with small stones that you put into a pile next to the pit. We’re talking here about solicitors, terrorists, and people other than Steven Spielberg that direct Jurassic Park sequels. The most despicable group of people on Planet Earth though? There is only one seat on this pontoon boat from hell and it belongs to Hulkamaniacs.

Despicable...

This may surprise you, since you realize that I truly appreciate heroes, but when you dig underneath Hulk Hogan’s facade you find that he is not someone to idolize at all. Hulk’s first wrestler name was a particularly fine gem that went a little something like this: The Super Destroyer. I’m sorry did you just read a comic book written by a toddler to come up with that name? Hulkamaniacs are inherently despicable for following such an obviously, blonde haired and blue eyed, handle bar mustached, roid raging bafoon. The funny thing about the Hulkamanics? They knew what they were getting themselves into when they read his four “demandments”, yeah good pun you tool. God called them commandments for a reason. The four “demandments” were 1. Train 2. Say prayers 3. Eat vitamins and 4. Believe in yourself. I’ll give you all a moment to roll your eyes and slam into a Slim Jim to get some testosterone back into your system. Since he didn’t really specify what you should train for or who you should pray too, I’m going to go ahead and guess he was talking to Grandma Betty whose about to play in a Bridge Tournament and Salid your local terrorist cell whose about to make a run at democracy.

Some of you may be thinking, hey Hulk Hogan was a great hero character on wrestling. Before you start, I did a little research and Hogan was handpicked by Vince McMahon, the evil emperor of wrestling, to be the new hero that would make him tons of money. I realize some of you do not know wrestling, so I have prepare an analogy for you all. I imagine that everyone has seen the movie “An American Tale: Fievel Goes West”, the inspiring tale of a young Jewish mouse who flees from Russia to go to the American West and the promise of a better life.

Well in this analogy, McMahon would be Cat R. Waul, Fievel’s arch nemesis and a gambling cat. Hulk Hogan is Chula the Tarantula, Waul’s stooge that tries to kill Fievel multiple times in the movie. This scenario would have the Hulkamaniacs be a bunch of rednecks in the 90’s that unquestionably followed Chula the Tarantula's every move. You should pretty much know how despicable Hulkamaniacs are by now. So what if you used to be a Hulkamaniac, but this post changed your mind? Well friend, let me tell you who Fievel is in the scenario. The Ultimate Warrior.

As you can see from the clips, The Ultimate Warrior is a mix of Ghandi, Shakespeare, the guy who invented scientology, the genie from Aladdin, and a really muscular person. Listen to his teachings, and you can find your way back to the path of righteousness. If your still not convinced, let’s just say that Ultimate Warrior beat Hulk Hogan in Wrestlemania IV to claim the WWF world championship belt. Plus, hogan used to draw his power from the crowd, but Ultimate Warrior drew his power from the crowd and the “warriors” of the universe. That would be you and me friend. Drop the Hulkamania and become a true warrior.

Yours,

Beau "Tie"

The Greatest Spring Break Destination

2009-03-27T02:46:00.007-04:00

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell -

Simple, Oregon. That is the greatest destination one could hope to reach for spring break. The reason that this large tract of land will fill you with such euphoric pleasure and metaphysical enlightenment (that the state has recently launched an ad campaign recommending that all visitors wear diapers) is very simple, the trail. That’s right friends; there actually is an Oregon Trail. The mythical game which consumed days of our lives with its addictive graphics and flush gameplay is actually based on a trail which led pioneers westward. Most people believe that the westward expansion was fueled by lust for gold and land. In fact the only real reason people headed west was to experience life on the trail. Humanity at its very core, where one day you can shoot 5500 pounds of buffalo, only to have your sister die from a rattlesnake bite the next. This was like reality TV, except with people instead of aliens, and real.

Your Spring Break may not offer enough time to actually ride the entire trail, which is from wherever you are currently, to somewhere in Oregon, and for that friend, I shall shed a tear. But only a tear, and then I shall smile, because you can still live the Oregon Trail! That’s right, if you travel to any state which boarders Oregon, if you do not know a state that borders Oregon I should advise you that this spring break might result in fatal injury or even death because you are uneducated. Then you can rent a wagon at any of the Oregon Trail approved U-Haul rent-a-wagon locations and test your wit against Mother Nature. This experience can be enjoyed with your loved ones, strangers, friends, old people, nuns, business people, or cats. However we do suggest that you avoid bringing Jeff Dunham, Peter Frampton, Howie Mandel, babies, Merrell, Ice T, Vanilla Ice, or that midget that played Mini Me for they all share an innate fear of common sense, and therefore could rain on your parade, or wagon.

Here is a list of things you should bring with you…

1.Flapjacks

2.A Bernstein Bears coloring book

3. A Fleshlight

4. Peter Jackson

5. Toothbrush (Colgate)

6. A pair of Kings (playing cards or royal human twins)

7. A large plastic trash bag

8. Sandy Cofax

Trust me. You’ll thank me later.

If you have never played the game…

Stay the hell away from me.

If you have played the game then you already know…

Spring is the perfect time to leave
Buy the rattlesnake venom antidote
Spend the rest of your money on ammunition

With this recipe for Spring Break in your brain, I challenge you to try and not have fun. If you don’t you should seek medical assistance immediately because you are ill, friend.

Love,

Haymaker

P.S. I'm the guy with the shovel.

Beau "Tie" Creson -

There is only one place that deserves the title of Best Spring Break spot ever. The reason there is only one place is simple, there is only one place that can take you to any spot. I’m sure that our more loyal readers have already guessed what place I am talking about because our loyal readers have likely developed a keen sense of intuition from reading all of the previous posts. Of course, if you are a new reader, you already know what place I am talking about because you scrolled down to look at the picture you derelict. If you don’t know what the best place is yet and you haven’t taken the time to look during this 30 second rambling then I suggest you find the door to this blog and exit immediately. The best place to go on spring break is the Starship Enterprise. Let’s get our models straight first. I am of course talking about the one from the Next Generation series that is a Galaxy Class starship and is piloted by Captain Jean Luc Picard. It is said that Moses’ hair and beard were turned white when he looked at the burning bush because he had seen God himself. A similar thing happened to me when I was eight years old and first laid eyes on the pristine Enterprise. Of course, I soiled myself while simultaneously growing an eight foot beard that was whiter than Ron Weasely after two years inside a pitch black cavern, but the burning bush happened like 2500 years ago and the Enterprise is from the 24th century so special effects have progressed quite a bit.
I said before that you could go anywhere on the Starship Enterprise, and as always I was right. You see they have what you call a holodeck on the enterprise. Something so advanced that my spell check on word does not even recognize the word. The holodeck creates an interactive version of whatever scenario you desire right before your eyes. I know some of you are thinking about being a smartass and making the holodeck create a version of the holodeck which would overload the system and blow the plutonium core of the ship while simultaneously emptying all of the proton torpedo bays and creating an intergalactic incident. Au contraire mon fraire, because I haven’t mentioned who operates the holodeck, and would stop you from committing this heinous crime. May I introduce, Whoopi Goldberg… and all you thought she was good for was finishing your diagonal X pattern on Hollywood Squares.
The holodeck is not the limit of the Starship Enterprises amenities by any stretch though. I’ve enjoyed many a pint of Romulan Ale at the onboard bar while listening to the soothing tunes of Jorgat and the Ferengi Five. Klorrpot can really strum that Smackasboard. You can also enjoy a guided tour of the galaxy courtesy of your panoramic star guide that comes standard with every room. The biggest treat by far will be the time that you spend with Captain Picard. This being that closely resembles a common human has the power to lather you up with charm, rinse you off with a cool sprinkling of stern leadership, and dry you off with a fresh pun such as, “I’ll go first, and Data you’re on deck.” One of these days (three centuries from now to be exact), people will finally get to experience that abstract little emotion we call happiness. I’ll be there, I just hope some of my friends are immortal too.

P.S. I know there is at least one trekkie out there who is thinking that I have completely made up some aspects of the Starship Enterprise. Jokes on you, friend, this whole time you have been living your life and watching what you thought was Star Trek when in reality you were just left on the holodeck as a baby, and Whoopi Goldberg has been creating your reality.

Lova Da Bow Tie

Worst Spring Break Destination

2009-03-19T01:10:00.004-04:00

Beau "Tie" Creson

Spring Break is one of the most popular holidays in the Judeo-Christian tradition. Its humble beginnings come from the time when Rome ruled the world and Nero was emperor. Nero was no a huge fan of the Christian fad that was going on, so he was looking to get rid of them so that he could get back to worshiping Gigabut, the roman god of shag carpets and neopets. Nero gave the Christians two choices. They could either get burned on a pike or go on Spring Break. Unfortunately, there was a typo in the tablets that went out that week and the mistype read Bring Cake. Now the Christians are philanthropic people, but you don’t just give cake out to anyone in the second century. It’s a precious commodity. So the story goes that Nero burned hundreds of Christians, and ironically ate their cake anyway. Little did the Christians know that they had missed out on the great tradition that is now known as Spring Break. There are of course some Spring Break destinations that are better than others.

The worst place to go on Spring Break is pretty obvious to me, and this is because I have been there. The worst place to go on Spring Break is Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Let’s get the obvious reasons out first. Drug dealers own that country. I’m not talking about your friend from high school with a quirky disposition that is a little slow on the uptake and happens to sell a few things while taking college courses. I’m talking about the guys from the beginning of XXX that pretty much tried to kill Vin Diesel. These guys have got some stones. Not to mention they are in a sub tropical climate and still wear heavy cotton green paramilitary uniforms. Don’t be mislead by the ordering of my paragraphs though, Puerto Vallarta was a crappy destination BEFORE you risked getting your toenails ripped off by terrorists.

First off, the beer there only costs .20 cents per bottle. This is because the beer factory that makes Sol beer is right around the corner. Sounds like a good deal right? Go around the corner and you find out it is just a guy pissing in used Sol bottles. So the beer is no good right, surely they offer mint juleps. Sorry friend, you’re not in Dixie anymore. The only liquor they sell is tequila. Once again folks, we are not talking about the patron they sell here in America, it is just the same guy pissing in a bottle that says Poncho Villa on it. The other beef I have with this place is that it is 93 degrees every single day. How the hell is a guy supposed to wear a bow tie in that kind of weather? I may as well get in a time machine; head back to the dark ages and act like things were okay without air conditioning and country clubs. The ultimate offense that this place has committed is that THEY DO NOT SPEAK ENGLISH. Hello, there is a reason it is the official language of planet earth.

Mexico is a horrible place to spend Spring Break. Did we forget about the Zimmerman Telegram? I say we get to work on that wall that separates the countries and electrify both sides. We don’t need people going over there to enjoy margaritas and illegally exported Cuban cigars. That’s right; Mexico doesn’t even have an embargo against Cuban goods. When choosing your Spring Break destination this year I suggest you do a few things: Remember the Alamo, Remember Goliad, and remember that the Bahamas has a much more stable government. Plus, I heard cruises are a good choice too, but watch out for pirates!

Beau "Tie"

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell -

The worst place to visit for spring break produces more of a list than a singular destination within my mind. There are many places that might provide for a less than stellar opportunity to kick back and relax before you are forced to work through the most glorious days of the year. Some that instantly came to my mind were Guantanimo Bay, Afghanistan (or anywhere within the middle east), Serbia, Antarctica, and Jurassic Park. But seeing as I have to choose and make an argument for THE WORST place to go for spring break I have decided upon Cleveland Ohio.

Ohio is the only state within our great union which has maintained a positive image while providing us with nothing of value. There is no greater example of the mockery of all the lives lost in the battle for freedom, than to use that freedom to make horrible jokes. If you are given the right to name an NFL team, why would you ever choose the name, The Browns, if not to make fun of freedom? Not only did they name the team which is their metaphorical army attempting to prove their dominance over other cities in the country after the worst color in the entire wheel, but they think it is a good name. This can be proven by the fact that another city, Cincinnati, harbored within the borders of stupidity choose to name their baseball team the Reds, admittedly a better color, but still a color.

So what would a spring break in Cleveland be like? Imagine being forced to suffer any crippling disease for a week and save yourself the travel costs. If you were to fly into Cleveland you would realize the reasoning behind the name The Browns because the city is brown. Upon walking around and interacting with fellow citizens you would realize that the average IQ of a city can be well under the level of “Mentally Challenged” yet can still somehow function. You will discover that hair gel is a precious commodity amongst men, and a name tag with the word Slut on it could easily save women time and money picking out clothing. However you could visit the inappropriately placed Rock and Roll hall of fame if you find the strength to leave the safety of your hotel. The reason this was placed in Cleveland was simply because the government decided to create a scavenger hunt. What better hiding place for the nations musical history than a city which has provided absolutely none.

There are only two saving graces for the state of Ohio, and the city of Cleveland. These are the former president Grover Cleveland, peace and love fallen nobleman, who is the only president to serve two non consecutive terms, potential trivia question all of you brainiacs. And the other potential rescue swimmer for Ohio is the chosen one Lebron James. Lebron is the only reason I have not forgotten that Cleveland exists, thanks to his appearance on Sportscenter’s coveted top 10 every night.

DO NOT go to Cleveland, Ohio, I promise you friend, you will regret it.

Love,

Haymaker

P.S. Really?... REALLY?

The Greatest Invention Ever Invented

2009-03-12T00:13:00.007-04:00

Beau “Tie” Creson

When I was trying to decide what the greatest invention ever was I had an immediate answer. MOON SHOES! Then I had an epiphany. Moon shoes have a weight limit of 150 pounds. This means that moon shoes are about as useful to overweight tweens and adults that are not considered legally midgets as a pile of smooth stones. Sure you can brutally punish people for heresy and similar crimes in countries without rule of law with said stones and moon shoes, but there are few other uses. Therefore I had to do some real introspection and soul searching to find the true answer to this puzzling question.

In fact I had to go so far into my memories that I had to actually go to the future to find my answer. That’s right ladies and gentlemen; the greatest invention ever was Thunder Dome, the post-apocalyptic vision of George Miller in his 1985 film featuring Mel Gibson called “Mad Max: Beyond Thunder Dome”. Thunder Dome harkens back to a simpler time, albeit in the future. Problems are not rationalized and argued in a sensible way, you merely kill a person when you think they are wrong with the weapon of your choosing. The process is simple, the people of the future live by a simple motto, “break a deal, face the wheel”. Once you are strapped to the wheel, thanks to an ingenious weighting system, the answer is inevitable to resolve the dispute in the Thunder Dome. Since the people have already used their motto, they decide to chant their much more clever credo at this point, “Two men enter, one man leave”. Sorry ladies, looks like you’ve been left out of the post-apocalyptic future so you may want to think about dusting off the old suffrage drums for another march. Of course, Tina Turner does appear to be some sort of sovereign leader so at least you have that going for you ladies, but I digress.

Thunder Dome is about three things: cunning, determination, and a history of wire fighting training. Some of you may be thinking, this doesn’t sound like it’s for me, but I have forgotten to mention the most important ingredient, you get to choose your own weapon. For those you thinking all you need is a sound mind as your weapon, congrats you’re already dead. The main thing to remember when picking a weapon is that it should be sharp and have moveable parts, apart from that you can use your own methodology. I believe that I have found the roots behind the idea of Thunder Dome. King Solomon once made two women resolve the dispute over the ownership of a child. He said that he would cut the child in half and they could each have a piece. The woman who showed the compassion not to make the child into a set of disfigured fraternal twins got the child. Thunder Dome is a lot like this story. There is of course no child, Tina Turner is King Solomon, you want to cut the other person in half for some oil rather than a child, and compassion is not the best character trait in this scenario. Otherwise, the two cases are mirror images.

So who would I least like to meet in Thunder Dome? Former President William Henry Harrison. Quick History lesson: William Henry Harrison died of a cold after he decided that jackets were for the weak and rode to his inauguration speech on horseback on the coldest day in inauguration history. The man is a political titan. Also, they would have to bring him back to life for me to fight him and he is not likely to make the same mistakes twice. I imagine he would do to me what he did to the Indian Chieftain Tecumseh at the Battle of Tippecanoe. I won’t get into detail, but let’s just say it involved a tomahawk, two rapiers, and three hundred crying women and children. After our battle, the people of the future would likely be singing a tune similar to “Two men enter, former President William Henry Harrison leaves”.

Sincerely yours,
Beau “Tie”

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell

I was unsure about how to answer this question when it was first presented to me. I thought about Alexander Fleming and his invention of penicillin, which of course led to the discovery of antibiotics. Then I thought about Ian Fleming and his invention of James Bond, aka a set of directions to the location of being dubbed a badass man. Then I thought about Ms. Fleming my sixth grade teacher and how she took me into her office one day and whispered to me the long held secret of the greatest invention of all time, which has been passed through her family since her greatest grandmother Eve told it to her daughter. Why Ms. Fleming told this to me is a mystery, but I have decided to share it with the world. The Greatest Invention of all Time is the Ball!

God created the first ball and named it Earth. He also created a bunch more balls for the Earth to hang out with. He also tied the reproduction of his image on earth to a set of balls. History accredits the invention of the ball to the Chinese, why God choose to give greatest invention to the Chinese instead of the Americans is a great question. The answer is simply because it was already the 1600’s and he was tired of waiting for not only a truly great nation to form, but also because he was tired of waiting for us to discover his favorite thing. The history of the ball aside, it can be rightfully crowned the king of inventions for the powerful change it has brought about, and its uncanny ability to stand up to any competition.

The most common use of balls, aside from biological function, comes in the world of sports. Sports, which arose from the ball, have proven to be one of the most effective problem solvers in history. They provide a discrimination free environment where the best rise to the top, despite any difference of skin, language, or political ideology. It is so insightful and practical that we decided to model our nation after the values derived from balls. There are wide varieties of balls, the baseball, basketball, soccer ball, amongst many others including the black sheep of the family the football. But they share a fundamental ability to make us share in emotions which bond us together as humans. Not to mention their ability to increase life span by granting us forms of physical activity which is enjoyable. Think of the joy felt by billions by making a last second shot, or hitting a grand slam in the bottom of the ninth, or sinking a 30 foot putt on Sunday to clinch the Masters. Not only are these moments monumental to the athletes who perform them, but also to the millions who will them to victory by watching on TV.

The second important aspect of determining an inventions level of greatness is its ability to stand the test of time. Fire remains relatively unchanged from the time it was invented, much like the wheel, or the beard. Think about the fact that when the most evil galactic emperor off all time attempted to take over the universe, he did not build a Death Disk despite the catchy alliteration, instead Darth Sidious, aka Senator Palpatine chooses a Death Star, shaped like a ball. Despite changes in size or firmness the overall concept of the ball has changed little, proving it will never seize to give and give no matter how we decide to abuse them.

When someone asks you what the greatest invention of all time is, I would ask you to simply think about how balls have touched your own life in a personal way.

Love,

Haymaker

P.S. Beware of wild animals attempting to steal our balls.

Who should be the first human to be cloned?

2009-03-10T21:25:00.006-04:00

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell

How do I even begin to discuss the epic awesomeness that is the Macho Man Randy Savage. I guess one could start by thinking about the six world wrestling championships he won, with swagger. Or maybe the four WCW title reigns and two WWF title reigns he won, with panache. I bet you lay awake at night, like I do, thinking about the time when The Macho Man was proclaimed the Intercontinental Champion, which he won with clout. This man is not just a Macho Man, he is the Head Honcho, he is the Gallivanting Gaucho, and he is America’s hero.

The obvious reason that Randy Savage should be the first and only human ever cloned is simply because there is no one else in the world that deserves to have their DNA replicated, for it would only tarnish the world with one less Randy Savage. But since that would never happen, we can all look forward to the most anticipated event ever recorded in history, for which I bought tickets 13 years ago with my life savings in hope of the day finally arriving, which is the day when Randy Savage will attempt the impossible…to beat himself. Sorry everyone who didn’t see this coming, the fight for these tickets has already caused more casualties than WWII, but no one is complaining because we all know they are worth it.

The only possible downside foreseeable to a having two Randy Savages on planet Earth at the same time is the possibility that all of our sneaky silent arch galactic enemies will be forced to mount an alliance the likes of which have never been dreamed, in order to stabilize the universe from imploding with shear imbalance of awesomeness. While this is a very realistic possibility, I’m sure all of you are just as eager to take that chance for the remote possibility of witnessing, without a doubt the greatest sight anyone could ever dream of seeing, two Randy Savages standing next to each other.

The Macho Man Randy Savage, *sigh*, the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is the hope that fortune will find me so lucky as to grace me with a chance sighting of the man, the legend, The 1987 King of the Ring Tournament Champion, which he won with reputation. The four time WCW World Heavyweight Champion, which he won with his eyes closed. And oh yea, who could forget the time he won the 1995 World War III Battle Royal, yea…Battle Royal. And possibly his most memorable moment, his appearance on Ripleys Believe it or Not for his uncanny ability to do sit ups for hours on end.

Goodnight, and may you also have sweet savage dreams,

Haymaker

P.S. I look forward to arriving 3 days before the July 9 release of the WWE documentary on our favorite man, its 57 years long…yeah, I hope I have time to watch it all.

Beau "Tie" Creson

I wouldn’t regularly side with the idea of cloning because I feel I am an individual, and I would be grossly uninterested in anyone who attempted to be like me. Also, if someone was exactly genetically like me they would be able to stand around my house as if it was a mirror and catch me making faces into it only to tell my friends about it at school and completely embarrass me. However, I realized this was just the first person that should be cloned, and I could easily petition the evangelicals and similar God-fearing types to help me burn the cloning facility to the ground after they had created the clone. I imagine I would then play out a similar scenario to the Arnold Schwarzenegger film “The 6th Day” in which I would kill either the clone or the original to hide the evidence of this ever transpiring, but I digress.

The first person I would clone is a man named James Hill. You are probably wondering who is James Hill? Well since you are obviously not up on your recent history of 1st District Iowa Congress elections I will tell you. James Hill is a self proclaimed “drunken pirate” that tried to run for Congress and lost. The reason I wish to clone James Hill is a simple one. I would like to fix him. Since cloning is illegal, I am guessing we can do whatever else we want to do to him, so I am going to rewire the clone’s brain so that he thinks like a real pirate. I would then put the two of them in a room with me and have a discussion about the original James Hill’s viewpoints.
I believe the transpiring events would go something like this:

Beau “Tie” Creson: So, original James Hill, we will start simple. What is your average Saturday morning?

Orginal James Hill: Well I enjoy sleeping in until about 10 am. Then I head downstairs to enjoy a cheddar and parmesan bagel and freshly picked blueberries. Then I take the kids and the Mrs. Out for a nice game of ball in the backyard.

Beau “Tie” Creson: Now I realize this past Saturday was your first Saturday morning cloned James Hill, but what did you do?

Cloned James Hill: Arrr, well I went downstairs and saw original James Hill eatin' a bagel so Me slapped him with my saber. The kids started t' yell so I cut their throats and proceeded t' pillage the house and burn down the neighborhood. Gar.

You see pirates don’t own houses, or live in a landlocked state like Iowa. The live on ships, and they love to rape people and steal their property. They also don’t run for Congress because they hate the government. Solving problems by becoming part of the government is something that a rational person would do. Cutting open a man’s chest, severing his heart, and juggling it like a hacky sack in front of him is something that a pirate does. So, why have I decided that millions in scientific research and discovery should go into cloning James Hill? Because I want to embarrass him in front of a real pirate. Plus, I hate his face and wish to replace him afterward with the clone so that I can put him into a dungeon similar to the one from the movie adaptation of “The Count of Monte Cristo”, but instead of giving him an old wise man that wants to escape, I will give him an old wise man that I told to kill James Hill if he wanted to be free. I hope you’ll understand my selfishness.
P.S. I heard that we recently got a few people to the blog who couldn’t read, so I decided I would add these two pictures to clearly illustrate my point to the illiterate. The pictures are of James Hill’s cat, and what would happen to James Hill’s cat if I cloned James Hill with a real pirate’s brain.

Beau “Tie” Creson

America's Greatest Pastime

2009-03-05T19:11:00.006-05:00

Beau "Tie"-

Pete Sampras once said, “baseball is America’s pastime, and that record is absolutely huge in the states.” There are two things to take away from this. Pete Sampras thinks he was playing baseball this whole time, and following that logic people who think baseball is America’s pastime are clearly fools. The other thing to notice is that when Sampras said this he was not partaking in the truest American pastime of wearing a bow tie and sipping on a mint julep. You see America is about domination, and nothing says I’m better than you than wearing a well proportioned bowtie and drinking something with crushed plants in it. You may be thinking, “if the majority of Americans haven’t worn a bow tie or tasted the sweet nectar that is a mint julep, how can it be America’s greatest pastime?” The reason the majority hasn’t done it is because the majority doesn’t have enough money to do it. Have you ever heard the concept that he who has the gold makes the rules? Well, that applies to pastimes as well. The super rich have always said what’s right and that’s just the way I like it.

I would also like to point out that most Northern people don’t partake in bow ties or mint juleps, so you may be thinking that this segmentation voids said behavior as an American pastime. Guess what, the north let the south secede from the union and that’s just un-American, so the north has no say in this. So what have bow ties and mint juleps done for America that is so great? Well just to name a few, bow ties and mint juleps have allowed for class warfare, alcoholism, country clubs, and misogyny. All of these things are great sub pastimes of the overarching pastime that is bow ties and mint juleps.
Some people say that looking good is feeling good. I disrespectively disagree. I say looking good is being awesome, and nothing looks better than standing under a white columned Victorian mansion with a bow tie wrapped around your neck and a cool mint julep in your hand while you bark orders at your yard staff because they have cut your pristine ryegrass croquet field two centimeters above the international croquet and polo league’s standards. Here is a list of what it means to be a true American patriot. 1) a bow tie that correctly matches your seersucker suit 2) a folksy old man in an tuxedo with tails and a cummerbund that mixes mint juleps and is on call to do so twenty four hours a day 3) a 500K plus job that allows you to have a profile on the ladders.com and an American Express black card 4) a gulfstream jet 5) the contentment that comes with the knowledge that you are better than everyone else. When you have all of these things, which you never will, congratulations! You are enjoying America’s greatest pastime. I’ll see you in next year’s edition of the Time 100 most influential people in America.

P. S. Since I understand that 99% of you will never be able to enjoy this great pastime I have included this picture which you can paste your head onto and put in your wallet to try and fool people into thinking your better than them.

Beau “Tie”

-Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell

“Take me out to the ball game, take me out with the crowd…” I bet you can finish this tune, you want to know why? Because you’re an American. And if you were born in any one of the glorious 50 states which stand united, you know nothing is more America than eating a hot dog at a baseball game.

Why is this so American you might ask? Well let me begin with a brief history of the hot dog. Around 1870, in a place called Coney Island, a german immigrant began selling sausages in a roll. This was the birth of the hot dog. Wait, a german? No a german immigrant because that is the spirit of America. Give me your tired, your poor; bring them to this fabled city on a hill where the streets are paved with gold, a place where you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and together we can live in peace and create something great. Or maybe something simple and delectable like a sausage in a roll. But where could we most relish our relish covered symbol of freedom? How about at the ball game?

Maybe you wondered for a second what I meant by ball game, or maybe you’re an American and you knew that I meant a baseball game. The reason baseball is so American is because hot dogs are equally delicious at all baseball games, from your son’s coach pitch game to the seats of Fenway. Baseball and hot dogs go together like freedom and the bill of rights. Every child has played catch with their father, and if they haven’t its only because they are either terminally ill, or because their father is in jail and they forced to play a sport without family values like basketball. Also every American feels pleasure when they hit things with a bat, because they know freedom isn’t free, sometimes you have to fight for it. Just thinking about baseball brings to mind black and white images of legendary greats like Babe Ruth, Yogi Berra, and Sammy Sosa. Or maybe you think about the fact that the game of baseball built a little bridge named Jackie Robinson to the shores of racial equality. Whatever image comes to your head when some says the words baseball, I can bet the colors red white and blue are somewhere in your mental snapshot.

Baseball and hot dogs are the roots for America’s family tree. It has been 233 years since a little seed named liberty was planted at Plymouth Rock. But that tree has grown tall, weathered storms, depressions, wars, and political feuds. On that tree named America are two very large branches, one named Hot Dog and the other Baseball, and you can bet you and your kids will be welcome to swing from them one day.

Love

Haymaker

The Most Dangeous Mythical Creature

2009-03-04T21:12:00.000-05:00

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell -

The mythical realm holds many dark and dangerous inhabitants, but none more dangerous than the Manananggal. First off on the list of why this creature of the night is so scary is the fact that it can separate itself at the torso, allowing the top half to fly around. Not only is this a badass ability (that I admit I am jealous of), but it invokes the element of surprise into the hearts of its victims.

The second reason this creature is more dangerous than weapons grade plutonium in the hands of a sadistic child is because this creature can turn into a beautiful woman. Think about your average skip through the woods, with a red breasted robin singing your favorite tune for all woodland creature to hear, when out from behind a tree emerges a beautiful woman. Sounds like the beginning of a great love story; only this story turns out to be from the devil’s personal diary of horrible ways to kill people. This woman seduces you, if you are a man, if you are a woman she turns you into a lesbian with her mind, and then seduces you. Then she proceeds to EAT YOU ALIVE. Her main courses of preference include the heart and liver. Although these are not her overall favorite food fetishes; which leads me into the third reason this bitch is the queen of all that is unrighteous.

She takes pleasure most in the leaving her bottom half in a secluded area, taking flight to the night with the top half in search of pregnant women’s houses. When she finds one, I’m not sure how she finds pregnant women’s houses, possibly by scent, she proceeds to find a hole in the roof and proceeds to stick her “long, hollow, and extremely flexible tongue” through it. She then navigates her tongue to the navel of the pregnant woman, and SUCKS THE BABY OUT OF HER. Apparently not only is killing present generations most promising enough for this glutton, she must take future generations unalienable right to life away as well.

Need further proof that the Manananggal is the most dangerous mythical creature of all time, reread what I have just written. To all you pregnant women, good night and good luck.

Love

Haymaker.

Beau "Tie" Creson

American author Alex Haley once said, “Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.” Little did Mr. Haley know that he was in danger of bringing the world to an end with these seemingly harmless words. This is because the most dangerous mythical creature in the universe is called Chukwa. Chukwa is an enormous tortoise that holds the entire planet on his back. How intimidating is Chukwa you ask? Remember those elephants in The Lord of the Rings Movies. Well make them a million times bigger. Now imagine that these gargantuan elephants are the lowly goons of an uber gargantuan turtle. That’s right, Chukwa decided to adopt a few gigantic tusked beasts as his pets. Impressed yet? Let’s run a quick scenario. Suppose you are walking down the street, and suddenly the earth shakes so violently that you are hurled out of the atmosphere and plummet into the asteroid belt between here and Mars just to have your body shredded by tiny bits of sharp rock. That all happened because Chukra sneezed. Now tell me you wouldn’t accept his apology when you are merely a spirit headed to whatever preordained afterlife you believe in. Because yes, when you hold up the world like Chukra does, you also decide who goes to hell. Now I know your thinking, “hey Beau, I thought Atlas held the world.” Well Chukra tail slapped Atlas so hard that he became a large book that children learn geography from. Summary: Chukra is a giant fracking turtle that will skip the traditional courteous firm handshake because he would rather use you as a tiny stuffed figurine in his built to scale replica of the Battle of Antietam.

That’s right folks, when your holding the world for a few millennia you know a thing or two about history. Knowledge is power, and perhaps this is Chukra’s most powerful asset. He is currently the 6098638374849456633998474 day champion on the Galactic Deity version of jeopardy. His favorite category, ass-kicking. And no, he doesn’t answer in the question form because because he thinks its nonsense, and no one is brave enough to tell him otherwise. So what keeps this giant turtle from throwing us into oblivion like the unequivocal amphibian that he is? Milk. That’s right, Chuckra swims in a primordial ocean of milk that the Hindus call Ksheera Sagara. Is it starting to become more clear why they don’t eat cows? They are too busy cranking those white dairy teets so that a two billion square mile hunch back doesn’t launch their orange robe wearing hineys into the sombrero galaxy. Chukra is the most dangerous mythical creature in the universe. Prepare accordingly.

Beau "Tie"

The Men Behind the Magic

2009-03-04T14:59:00.000-05:00

Haymaker here, are yall ready to have a friend in the fight we call life? Youve come to the correct watering hole. Im just a guy, who likes to be right. In case you are wondering what my interests and opinions extend to, I have included a helpful list...

1) Everything.

Get to know me...and together we will conquer

Good day reader,

My name is Beau "Tie" Creson, and I would be Thomas' counterpart. Not a counterpart in the sense that we are equal, or that we are each part of some whole. He is my counterpart in the sense that he is the other person in this blog. Now you may be wondering what should you expect from me? Knowledge, correctness, indisputable truth, and a certain pizzaz that will explain itself. If something I say offends you, don't feel bad; you're just wrong. If you do agree though, welcome. You have just stumbled upon your one way trip to unbridled enlightenment. You may have come to this blog as an individual with your own notion of the world. Well by the time you are done reading you will see that you were mistaken, you will completely agree with why you were mistaken, and you will accept me as both a spiritual guide and philosophical soothsayer. Also, you will have a certain urge to dress like this.

This is James Joyce... of course you already knew that.