The Most Dangeous Mythical Creature

Thomas "Haymaker" Harvell -

The mythical realm holds many dark and dangerous inhabitants, but none more dangerous than the Manananggal. First off on the list of why this creature of the night is so scary is the fact that it can separate itself at the torso, allowing the top half to fly around. Not only is this a badass ability (that I admit I am jealous of), but it invokes the element of surprise into the hearts of its victims.

The second reason this creature is more dangerous than weapons grade plutonium in the hands of a sadistic child is because this creature can turn into a beautiful woman. Think about your average skip through the woods, with a red breasted robin singing your favorite tune for all woodland creature to hear, when out from behind a tree emerges a beautiful woman. Sounds like the beginning of a great love story; only this story turns out to be from the devil’s personal diary of horrible ways to kill people. This woman seduces you, if you are a man, if you are a woman she turns you into a lesbian with her mind, and then seduces you. Then she proceeds to EAT YOU ALIVE. Her main courses of preference include the heart and liver. Although these are not her overall favorite food fetishes; which leads me into the third reason this bitch is the queen of all that is unrighteous.

She takes pleasure most in the leaving her bottom half in a secluded area, taking flight to the night with the top half in search of pregnant women’s houses. When she finds one, I’m not sure how she finds pregnant women’s houses, possibly by scent, she proceeds to find a hole in the roof and proceeds to stick her “long, hollow, and extremely flexible tongue” through it. She then navigates her tongue to the navel of the pregnant woman, and SUCKS THE BABY OUT OF HER. Apparently not only is killing present generations most promising enough for this glutton, she must take future generations unalienable right to life away as well.

Need further proof that the Manananggal is the most dangerous mythical creature of all time, reread what I have just written. To all you pregnant women, good night and good luck.

Love

Haymaker.

Beau "Tie" Creson

American author Alex Haley once said, “Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.” Little did Mr. Haley know that he was in danger of bringing the world to an end with these seemingly harmless words. This is because the most dangerous mythical creature in the universe is called Chukwa. Chukwa is an enormous tortoise that holds the entire planet on his back. How intimidating is Chukwa you ask? Remember those elephants in The Lord of the Rings Movies. Well make them a million times bigger. Now imagine that these gargantuan elephants are the lowly goons of an uber gargantuan turtle. That’s right, Chukwa decided to adopt a few gigantic tusked beasts as his pets. Impressed yet? Let’s run a quick scenario. Suppose you are walking down the street, and suddenly the earth shakes so violently that you are hurled out of the atmosphere and plummet into the asteroid belt between here and Mars just to have your body shredded by tiny bits of sharp rock. That all happened because Chukra sneezed. Now tell me you wouldn’t accept his apology when you are merely a spirit headed to whatever preordained afterlife you believe in. Because yes, when you hold up the world like Chukra does, you also decide who goes to hell. Now I know your thinking, “hey Beau, I thought Atlas held the world.” Well Chukra tail slapped Atlas so hard that he became a large book that children learn geography from. Summary: Chukra is a giant fracking turtle that will skip the traditional courteous firm handshake because he would rather use you as a tiny stuffed figurine in his built to scale replica of the Battle of Antietam.

That’s right folks, when your holding the world for a few millennia you know a thing or two about history. Knowledge is power, and perhaps this is Chukra’s most powerful asset. He is currently the 6098638374849456633998474 day champion on the Galactic Deity version of jeopardy. His favorite category, ass-kicking. And no, he doesn’t answer in the question form because because he thinks its nonsense, and no one is brave enough to tell him otherwise. So what keeps this giant turtle from throwing us into oblivion like the unequivocal amphibian that he is? Milk. That’s right, Chuckra swims in a primordial ocean of milk that the Hindus call Ksheera Sagara. Is it starting to become more clear why they don’t eat cows? They are too busy cranking those white dairy teets so that a two billion square mile hunch back doesn’t launch their orange robe wearing hineys into the sombrero galaxy. Chukra is the most dangerous mythical creature in the universe. Prepare accordingly.

Beau "Tie"