Sarah Palin's Resignation Given a Hollywood Spin

Beau "Tie" Creson

As you all know by now Sarah Palin who ran for vice-president has recently resigned from office. I do not intend to give my opinion on why she did it or whether it was a good decision because there are clearly two schools of thought that each make good points. Maybe she left because she is gearing up to run for president and did not want to leave her Alaskan constituents in the dust while she was on the road. Maybe she left because she couldn't take it and is giving up. I want to make it very clear that she did not leave because she is under investigation by the FBI because she is not and her attorney told my attorney that if I even hinted at something like that she would sue me faster than I could say I'm folksy, you betcha'.

Just because I am too scared to say my political opinions on the site does not mean however that I don't want to have a few musings on the matter. I think the three major things to take out of this resignation were the message, the suprise factor, and the point guard analogy. First, lets focus on the message. I was a little bit confused about what the heck was going on. Was it a triumphant and proud recognition that she was not capable of carrying the load based on other circumstances. Because she seemed very happy and cheerful about the fact that she was resigning. Like I said, I don't point to any political sway, but who gets excited about giving up? I wanted to point out that I found a similar situation from a movie. In the movie Deep Blue Sea, Samuel L. Jackson also gets mildly emotionally aroused when he is talking about quitting and leaving. I feel like these two messages are very similar, except in the end rather than Sarah Palin going fishing, the fish go Samuel L. Jacksoning.




Next, I would just like to point out how suprised I was when this happened. I mean I havn't heard of a politician up and relieving themselves of duty in at least a week in a half since Governor Sanford left for Argentina or two and a half weeks ago when Mayor Herenton of Memphis decided to call it quits. Okay, so a fad has started recently but before two weeks ago this would have been a total bombshell. Is there a movie out there that offers a suprise ending as whimsical and strange as this one? Honestly, No... Therefore I decided that I would just consider this another adventure of the muppet babies in which Beaker dreamt he/she was a folksy governor from Alaska that eventually had to resign for unknown reasons... and roll end credits.




Finally, I would like to adress the one part of the speech that was just too loud on my ears to ignore. The point guard metaphor. She said that she was like a point guard who had to pass the ball off. I get it, I really do. The problem is that if a point guard is truly leading the team and passes the ball, the point guard stays on the court and doesn't go work for a family owned commercial fishing company. Once again, I understand what she was saying but the logical fallacy was waaay to big to ignore. Therefore, I decided the only metaphor that is nearly as strange and confusing as the one that governor Palin gave was the one Daniel Day Lewis gave in There Will Be Blood... Enjoy!



As you can see, once you look through Sarah Palin's resignation through the lense of Hollywood comparisons; nothing is cleared up and everything is just as confusing as before. Glad I could help.

Love,
Beau "Tie"

P.S.- I drink YOUR milkshake Daniel Day Lewis!

5 Worst Sports Logos of All Time

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There are times when I watch sports and see logos that make me completely sick to my stomach. I have decided that the only way to put an end to these terrible logos is to create a blog post that will raise public awareness about them and cause a civil uprising not seen since the WTO riots years ago. Although this time the police won’t be there to stop the people from obliterating every team jersey and foam finger available, they will be providing the torches and pitchforks. I am about to countdown the top 5 worst sports team logos and I want to warn all of you that some of the images in this post are not suitable for young eyes as they will make your children settle for less than satisfactory artwork on their team jerseys.

Coming in at number five would be the 1995-1996 logo for the New York islanders NHL team. As you can see there is an angry looking deep sea fisherman with a hockey stick guarding his hockey goal mercilessly. My two questions are: where is the islander and why is there a fisherman with a hockey stick mercilessly guarding a hockey goal? There is of course a subgroup of questions that need to be asked such as why does the fisherman have a spray on tan and why is he wearing a teal colored rain jacket? I feel like rain jackets for fisherman do not come in pastel colors. Basically, this logo is on the list because the name and picture are misleading. They should have probably been called the New York semi metro sexual fishermen.

The fourth place logo comes to us all the way from the NCAA. I am of course talking about the Youngstown State Penguins. I can appreciate a penguin as a mascot but this penguin seems to be modeled off of another penguin that I have seen before. Oh that’s right, the Youngstown State Penguin looks exactly like the penguin from those kid’s cuisine frozen dinners that I used to eat.

 

Look... Youngstown State makes frozen dinners for kids!

Can Youngstown State even do this? Why would they do this? Do you really want your college to be synonymous with snowman shaped macaroni and cheese and semi liquid mashed potatoes. Let’s just say that 30 seconds in the microwave in this case will not solve the problems of Youngstown State’s mascot.

Third place in the worst sports logo competition goes to the 50’s version of the Red Sox logo. I am really not sure what to make of this. I have boiled it down to two possibilities on what they hell this big shape is supposed to be. The first option is a bit farfetched. It appears that they took a picture through thermal goggles of Jay Leno playing a game of baseball in the dark with a ninja belt tied around his head. Also, he had no lower body except for legs for some reason. The second possibility is that this is just Florida upside down with a face. I thought it could be a red sock at first but if I ever see something like that on my foot I will be absolutely terrified.

This second place logo is absolutely mindboggling in so many ways to me. It is the Milwaukee Bucs logo from the NBA used from 1969-1993. What the hell is going on here? I feel like I could get a better deer out of my clip art in Microsoft Word. Also, a buck is a male deer. So why does this deer look like a sorority girl. I mean look at the legs…And is it actually batting its eyes? This is so disgraceful. No wonder this is one of the most terrible basketball teams ever to grace this planet. Sad part is their new logo would look good on a beer bottle, but it still looks ridiculous on a basketball jersey.

This first place logo comes from a team that is very near and dear to my heart. This is the 1966-1969 logo for the Dallas Cowboys. I realize it was the 60’s and you could not use a computer to make the graphics… but seriously. That doesn’t mean you have to find a three year old child to draw the logo for you. I don’t even know what the hell the guy is riding. Last I checked horses have more than two and a fourth legs. This logo is far and away the worst sports logo that I have ever seen, and from my favorite NFL team no less If the people who designed these five logos are still alive on this planet… may the lord have mercy on all of our sports’ souls.

Sincerely,

Beau “Tie”

Who Should Be the Next Supreme Court Justice?

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There is a big debate these days about the Supreme Court judges and who the potential new appointees will be. I of course have an opinion on the matter, and to be honest I haven’t even heard anyone mention the obvious choice yet. I will start by remembering the two judges that are likely to retire. They are Ruth Bader Ginsberg and John Paul Stevens. JPS is the absolute man. He is over 80 years old and can still hit a mean backhand on the tennis court. Not to mention that the old fella wears the hell out of a bow tie. I like to think of him as my benefactor similar to Pip’s benefactor in Great Expectations, and one day JPS will send me a large sum of money making me a true gentleman. Ruth Bader Ginsberg is a bit of a different story. She kind of scares me to be honest. Plus I will never think of her as anyone other than old Mable Grettleson, the nice old lady who gives you cookies and Ovaltine on especially balmy Thursday afternoons.

You children want some Ovaltine?

These judges were great people and they have served our country well but a new day is dawning here in America. We cannot have judges that sit passively in chairs merely abiding by the constitution and working hand in hand with the legislatures on Capitol Hill. We need a judge that will take things into his own hands and bust some heads once in a while. We also need a judge with experience. Who better than someone who has served for years in Mega City One which is a fictional post apocalypse city overrun with derelicts and mutants. I trust you now know who my candidate is for the vacant Supreme Court seats. May I introduce Judge Dredd…

It is important to notice that I have elected one person to hold two seats. That is because I imagine Dredd will sit in one seat and bash people over the head that disagree with him with the other seat. While there are a million reasons that Dredd should be the new Supreme Court justice, I have narrowed it down to the most important ones in the interest of our readers’ short attention spans. The first trait that Dredd has is a good work ethic. He never breaks character at all. In fact, in a particularly emotional scene of the movie aptly titled Judge Dredd, Dredd’s brother explains that no one likes or cares about Dredd insisting: Rico: I’m the only one that ever loved you. Dredd looks him strait in the eyes and like a judge should he simply replies, “I’ll be the judge of that.” I subsequently spontaneously combusted from the sheer voracity in which Dredd delivered the line. The next trait that Jedge Dredd has or in this case is void of is compassion. I don’t like these soft judges that we have today, I want a judge that refuses to give you any kind of break. For instance, Dredd apprehends a warlord in one of the blocks and begins to judge him by saying:

Judge Dredd: [sentencing the Block Warlord] Mega City Municiple Code, 213: Willfull destruction of property, that's two years. Code 310: Illegal possession of assault weapons, five years. Code 457: Resisting arrest, TWENTY years! And code 3613: The first degree murder of a street judge...

Block Warlord: Let me guess: Life. [he goes for his gun, but Dredd shoots him first]

JudgeDredd: Death. Court's adjourned.

The final thing I like about Dredd is that he appreciates the ability to expedite the court system. I cannot stress how bogged down our court system is. Dredd sympathizes with the right to a speedy trial. I will leave you with this clip of what happens when Dredd finds you guilty of a relatively small crime. Spoiler alert: He blows your shit up.

Judicially Yours,

Beau "Tie"

Greatest Woman of All Time

Beau "Tie" Creson


As you all know the Preakness was run this past evening and a filly named Rachel Alexandra won the race making her the first female horse to win the race since 1924. They said the human race was sexist, sheeesh someone needs to start looking at the horse world and thinking about equal rights. Plus, she won it from the thirteenth stall which is the furthest from the pole, and you think that was by coincidence? I’m not saying, but I am saying it actually. Horses are sexist and live in a patriarchal society that needs to be abolished. This victory for the female gender had me reflecting on all of the great ladies of our past such as Molly Pitcher and Sacajawea, and I began to wonder who the greatest woman of all time is? Of course it is my mother, but who is the second greatest woman of all time?

Show those sexist male horses whose boss Rachel Alexandra

Let me start by listing who is not the greatest woman of all time. Emily Dickinson came in first place for not first place as the greatest woman of all time. I mean Emily… seriously… so you have so self confidence issues. That doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself up in a room and write semi erotic/creepy poetry all day. I mean really, I’ve heard of wallpaper with a better social life than you have. Sure, you contributed a great deal to early American poetry but if everyone had to sit in a room as long as you did they would have probably come up with something just as good and much more cheerful. Plus, they would have been able to put a more attractive about the author photo in the back fold which would have sold more copies.

Second place in the not best woman ever category would go to Tz'u His. This lady lived in China during the late 19th and early 20th and she was acting emperor. This lady was a real whore. No, I am serious she was actually a concubine of the emperor until he died. Then, I guess not one person in China thought it was a pretty crappy move to put a literal slave prostitute in charge of the country. This lady pretty much came up with the idea of sleeping with the boss to climb the corporate ladder. Long story short, she was acting emperor until the boxer rebellion which I feel is ironic because underpants overthrew the emperor who wore none for a living.

I know you used to pay me for sex but now I will provide legislation for you to live by.

I am going to have to go ahead and give the nod for best woman ever to Rosa Parks. I love this woman for two reasons. She believed in equal rights and she stuck it to Alabama. I am not that big of a fan of Alabama. It’s not that I have any personal grudge against the place, I just feel like taking a nail to my eyeballs every time I’m there. Some of the readers may not like what they are reading right now, but remember that many people did not like what Rosa Parks was doing on that bus and look at how history remembers them. Parks had the figurative cajones to become a hero that day and remain seated on a chair that should have rightfully been hers. I just wish that she had bitch slapped the guy that told her to get up. So raise your mint julips high whether you be man, woman, black, white, or a Chinese person who does not support a concubine as emperor as I make a toast to Rosa Parks; my favorite woman in the history of this blue oblete spheroid we call earth.

Hey busdriver, what do the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!

P.S. I would like to give honorable mention to Pocahontas for being able to sing with all the voices of the mountain and paint with all the colors of the wind. Plus, should could talk to hummingbirds and raccoons which is cool.

Love,
Beau “Tie”

Musings on the Experiences of a Young Man

Beau 'Tie' Creson

There comes a time in a man’s life when he must reevaluate his moral set. Seeing as I am turning 21 in less than 48 hours, I feel that my recent enlightenment comes as no coincidence. I recently saw the movie Star Trek, and I feel that it has had an impact on me that cannot be ignored. Usually I am able to discern the difference between the fact that the people on the screen are merely actors and not real, but in this case I cannot be sure that what I was watching was not really happening. There is no way to tell, so I will go with my intuition which tells me that everything I saw was based on capital T Truth. Based on this, I took it upon myself to go on a crusade of knowledge in which I learn everything the Star Trek world has to teach me. I the last few days I have viewed Star Trek: Insurrection, Star Trek: The Journey Home, Star Trek: The Final Frontier, Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan, countless episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and disc two and three of John Adams. The last two were unrelated but enjoyable. I feel that Kirk, Spock, Picard, Data, La Forge, McCoy, and the rest of the gang have taught me some things that I must make our readers aware of.

We have come from the future to teach you about hand strengtheners

Firstly, and perhaps most important is the fact that there is a suitable attire other than the bow tie and finely pressed slacks with a button down from Brooks Brothers. That attire includes a one piece suit with black pants and black shoes. The shirt can be green, blue, red, or yellow. Then the most important piece would be the federation approved badge over the breast of the uniform. What says professional more than this? I feel like I am going to wear this outfit to every job interview I ever go into. If they don’t like it I will simply offer “live long and prosper” and calmly remove myself from the room. This brings on the second thing that the Star Trek universe has taught me. Attitude is everything. Spock has the ability to use logic without emotion. If only we were so lucky as to have Vulcan ancestry. I have compiled a list of things that would not have happened had we been of Vulcan birth rather than human: WW1, WW2, Civil War, Totalitarianism, Gigli, Mayonnaise, Spam, helicopters, and hypoallergenic dogs. This list is not all inclusive and I implore you to make your own list of things that could be void of existence.

This will not work and seems illogical to me

Star Trek has also made me a very impatient person. Why can’t someone freaking invent beam technology? Is it so rude a thing to ask that they get on with it? Maybe if we didn’t spend so much time and money making movies about it we would already have a real federation of planets and I would be the captain of a starship by now. I imagine my ship would be called the U.S.S Integrity as I would hold all other captains accountable for their lack of candor. Who would pass my test every time? Captain James Tiberius Kirk of course. A number of words would describe Kirk: ingenious, impulsive, and suave. You would not call him a namby-pamby though. Who else would attempt to slingshot around the sun in a Klingon bird-of-prey so that they would break the time barrier into 1986 San Francisco? Truly I could laud for hours on the specialness of these folks but that is for tomorrow gentlemen… for today I must go to blockbuster on a fifteen minute mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. Live long and prosper my friends.

Beards are a logical solution to lower face quadrent warmth

PS- I have also started using cool star trek lingo such as when I get in my car I say, “warp speed Mr. Sulu” or when I want someone to call me I say, “I will open hailing frequencies”.

Tennessee and Texas: Battle of the T's

Beau "Tie" Creson

I was attending a fraternity get together last evening, and while I was having a good time I found myself in an extrememly hot debate with a large mustached/ ten gallon cowboy hatted man from Texas. We were arguing over whether my home state of Tennessee or the great state of Texas was the best T state in the union. While I contested that his rediculous facial squirrel and oil covered greenbacks were no match for my bluesy charisma and mountain hiking skills, this was obviously not enough for this Yosemite Sam look-a-like. He challenged me to a duel and offered that I choose my weapon. Of course he chose pearl handled six shooters only furthering himself as the most cliche Texas stereotype in the history of cliche Texas stereotypes. I decided to opt for something much more useful in proving my point: A DVD version of the 2004 film "The Alamo" starring Billy Bob Thornton as Davy Crockett and Dennis Quaid as the unusually tardy Sam Houston.

Don't Mess With Texas, Unless Your Tennessee

I chose this as my weapon both to mock my opponent because he thought I would pick something violent but I also chose the DVD because it clearly illustrates why Tennessee has a slight edge on Texas. I invited my opponent to a nice bowl of popcorn and allowed him to view the film in its etirety. So what did he see? Well he noticed that most of the people that were at the Alamo weren't even from Texas because they came from other states, namely Tennessee. Following this logic, Texas is really more like a fat younger brother to a thinner and more athletic Tennessee. Also, my friend saw the amazing use of sematics used by the native of Tennesse Davy Crocket and his undying fearlessness. Crocket, an avid Tennessee Volunteers football fan and perveyor of racoon hats was the last person to be killed by the Mexican army at the Alamo, but first they gave him a chance to surrender. To this offer Crockett simply retorts, "You tell the general I'm willing to discuss the terms of surrender. You tell him; if he'll order his men to put down their weapons and line up, I'll take them to Sam Houston and I'll try my best to save most of them. That said; Sam's a mite twitchy, so no promises. " This prompts the question, where the hell is Sam Houston in the first place and why is he going to be an asshole? Well Sam Houston must have forgotten to set his alarm clock that morning because he didn't show up to provide back-up and hundreds of people who volunteered to be there in the first place died that day. But at least Sam Houston provided an awesome quote afterward right? Not exactly, his whole pump up speech went as follows, "You will remember this battle! Each minute! Each second! Until the day that you die! But that is for tomorrow, gentlemen. For today, Remember The Alamo!" I am honestly suprised no one raised their hand and was like uh if you had just taken us to the alamo in the first place we could have consolidated this whole movie into one battle and one victory. I guess Sam Houston was just taking advantage of the fact that there was no standardized school system so no one was really into the whole logical reasoning thing yet.

Sam Houston Explaning Why a Ditch is a Good Place to Hide During a Battle

Basically, the movie shows that while Texas is still a great place, it falls a bit short in the awesome department to Tennessee. I like to think that Tennessee got like four doubled letters so that it could forever taunt Texas. Tennesse people give better speeches, do more volunteer work, and actually show up to battles. I love you Texas, and somebody has to be number two right?

If you are wondering what happened with my mustached nemesis from earlier, I cannot give you that much closure. I can only guess that he completely agreed with me after watching the film and was so dishonored that he had challenged me that he felt the only way to get some honor back was to end his life right there. He took the aforementioned six shooters and installed a perverbial window in his skull. Needless to say, the party was pretty awkward after that.

Love,
Beau "Tie"

The First Monthly TomBeau Award

Beau "Tie" Creson


The TomBeau award is a new award that goes to a person each month. Although the parameters of this award aren’t entirely clear, I have formulated an algorithm for the person that will win the award each month. The first ingredient that the award winner must have is an attitude. This person needs to be like, “what’s that humanity? Sorry I can’t hear you because I’m too busy indulging myself on glory.” The person also needs to be epic. If the world is a soup kitchen, I expect the winner to have gone into the soup kitchen that month and said I’ll have my soup with a side of infamy, oh and can I get a little historical relevance. The most important ingredient that the person of the month must have is a sense of personal style. When all of these things are added together they amalgamate into the TomBeau award recipient. Looking back at the month there is really only one person who deserves this award, drum roll please… The first monthly TomBeau award goes to KIM JONG IL!!

Mr. Il or as his people are forced to call him, Dear Leader is truly the most deserving person for this award. DL took it upon himself to piss off the entire civilized world in the past few weeks by firing a ballistic missile with a “satellite” attached to it into the Pacific Ocean. Then he has the cunning to completely lie about its failure and hail it as a huge success. You see, DL loves to use propaganda and I have made peace with that fact. In fact, he claims that the first time he went out to play a round of golf he reportedly had 13 holes in one. Now, if he was lying he would have said 18, so it must be true right? The thing about DL is he does a lot of insidiously heinous things, but then you look into his little pug like face and gaze beneath the Dolce Gabbana sunglasses and you just want to pinch his cheeks and rock him to sleep.

The other awesome thing accomplished by Il this past month was to have a mandatory attendance birthday party for himself and return to the television screen to be re-elected for another five year term as leader of North Korea. I am sorry but this makes me want to laugh until the end of the planet. I wonder how close the election really was. I imagine that no one else had any votes because if you don’t vote for DL then you are immediately put to death and your vote is void. North Korea is a lot like the movie “The Land Before Time”. DL is Sharptooth and everyone else is either long necks or three horns. Everyone is super scared of Sharptooth but in the North Korea version they are forced to be his friend and go to his birthday parties while he gets drunk on $1300 dollars worth of Cognac a month.

The final ingredient to DL’s success is his uncanny sense of style. I’ve never seen someone wear a one piece parachuting uniform everywhere they go, yet DL is able to pull it off in his country. Of course, he makes it mandatory to compliment his one piece jumpsuit whenever you see him. The one piece suit finalizes my theory that DL is just living a North Korean version of the Tom Hanks movie "Big". He is a tiny child in a tiny adult’s body presumably because he made a wish about being big into a North Korean version of Zoltar and it came true . Now, he cares about no one but himself and lies about everything, yet he is still confusingly irresistible. He causes international incidents and throws mandatory birthday parties all while keeping a golf handicap of – 25. Raise your mint juleps high ladies and gentlemen and propose a toast to Dear Leader. Oh and by the way, he also had time to do a ribbon dance with me in the Olympic Qualifiers this past month as well. I got a tape of it and put it below. Enjoy!

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P.S. I would like to give honorable mention this week to Sasha and Malia Obama for naming their new dog Bo. I knew they were avid readers of the blog but wow this is quite an honor. In fact, in todays, April 13, 2009 edition of the New York Times Senator Edward Kennedy is quoted as saying, "We couldn't be happier to see the joy that Bo is bringing to Malia and Sasha." Now the question is was he talking about our blog or the new puppy. I think its pretty obvious.


Beau “Tie”